I often tell people that learning how to better understand my dog inspired the most significant period of personal growth in my lifetime. I have never been the parent of a human child, but I am the guardian of an intelligent, discerning, sensitive German Shepherd with a very real need for safety, consistency, predictability, and agency. Which I relate to!
Two months before Heidi came into my life, I was the guardian of a sixteen-year-old Beagle with a very real need for snacks, love, and a soft place to snooze. Which I relate to! I was under the impression that providing these things (along with exercise, enrichment, and obedience training) was a key that would just unlock a harmonious life with any dog, barring a history of abuse or trauma.
I was also under the impression that once Heidi understood my expectations for her, that any time she was not meeting those expectations, it was an intentional and willful decision on her part to ignore what I was asking from her. I thought she would be doing well if she wanted to, or if I knew how to motivate her to want to do well.
Through working with Max as a client and through my own reading, I now understand that in Heidi’s mind, she already was doing well. The strangers were staying away from her, she was meeting her own need for safety and agency by acting in ways that protected her from having to meet new people or tolerate them in her home. Why would she do something different if what she’s doing is working to accomplish her goal?
Scientists who have studied animal behavior know it to be true that dogs do not have a sense of morality in the same way that humans do. Dogs can understand their actions as having outcomes - ones which they either like or don’t like. Each individual dog might have a different framework of what they want and how to get it, but they are each motivated by what they want, not by what we might want for them, or by how we as people will judge their behavior as good or bad. In Heidi’s mind, “doing well” is not when I am happy with her behavior (although good things do happen for her when I am). Heidi is doing well when she gets what she wants.
A dog who chooses to put her paws onto the counter and steal a turkey leg isn’t considering if the turkey leg actually belongs to her, or that her gain might mean a loss for someone else in her household. She is choosing an action that works to get the turkey leg, because she wants it. A dog who runs away from her owner when it’s time to come inside from the yard is a not a bad dog, she is a dog who wants to be in the yard and is doing what works to stay in the yard.
Heidi cannot help but do well because she cannot help but be motivated to do what works to get her what she wants, because she is a dog. But since she is a dog who lives in a society, I do have my own definition of what “doing well” means for her. I cannot allow her to access the distance and safety she wants in a way that is unsafe for her or others, or is excessively disruptive (dogs gonna bark, but also my neighbors didn’t ask me to get a German Shepherd). That does leave it up to me to endow her with the skills and training to get what she wants in a different way that works for me, so that she can continue to live with me.
It does also leave it up to me to provide her with safety and agency whenever I can. I want to have people in my home, but it is okay that Heidi doesn’t - she has the skill of relaxing comfortably in her crate in a private room when people are here. I wanted to have a social dog that could just immediately interact with anyone, but it is okay that Heidi isn’t that dog - she has a lot of practice with controlled introductions that go at a pace she’s comfortable with, and the rest of the time she doesn’t have to meet anyone.
Dog training, for us, has been about looking at all the things that Heidi wants that we can give her, preventing her from accessing those things in ways we don’t like, and then teaching her how she can access those things (and proving that to her by making those things happen when she makes a choice we like). In this way, doing well in Heidi’s mind and doing well in my mind are moving as closely as possible into alignment, which has been the actual key to unlocking a harmonious life with my challenging dog.
If, instead of judging her or applying a label of stubbornness, willfulness, or intentionality to her behavior, I looked at what she needed to be successful at getting the things she wanted in a way that worked for me, then there was never a reason to blame her or get upset with her. When I updated my perspective from “Heidi does well if she wants to” to “Heidi does well when she can”, what played out in my experience was that Heidi does do well (according to me and according to her) when she can, which is to say when I control the conditions that are within my control, and when she has had the education and practice she needs to cope with exposure to stress.
The greater lesson for me was of course that we all do well when we can, including me. If I’m struggling, that’s not a reason to judge myself or be hard on myself. It’s an opportunity for me to figure out what I need to be successful and try to give myself those things. Doing well for me means taking care of myself and my family (including my dog), and showing up for my friends and community. Part of what I need to do those things is to have this perspective.
Max would rightly add the wisdom of Susan Friedman and other dog behaviorists who echo that everyone is doing the best they can with the information they have at the time.
“We are all good, at our core, and we are all doing the best we can. Some folks do have more behavior that doesn’t serve themselves (or others) than others. But that’s fixable, to the person who truly wants to change. Healthier behavior and thoughts can be learned.” - Grisha Stewart
“We are occasionally brilliant, reliably inconsistent, often unclear, usually well-motivated, and most often doing the best we can with the skills we have, at the time we need them. Be your own best friend for a moment, and be as kind to yourself as you would your dearest friend. “ - Patricia McConnell
My writing is informed by this lecture about human children by Dr. Ross Greene. Thank you to my friend Adriana who works with Undivided in California for introducing me to his work, and to Max and his human psychology degree for helping me translate the core idea for application to the dog world.
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